(PEOPLE MURMURING)
以往我都是用内裤来遮蔽阴道 DONNA: I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants.
顺便提一下, 内裤 都是给有阴道者使用的, 对吧? And, by the way, what all vaginas do to all underpants, okay?
所有女人在忙完一天后 There is no woman who ends her day
都会穿上一条乾淨的内裤 with, like, a clean pair of underpants
它们都像同样一家商店的 对吧? that look like they've ever even come from a store, okay?
其实内裤就像个反过来的塑料袋 They look like little bags that have fallen face down
裡面总会沾著一些奶酪一样的东西 in, like, a tub of cream cheese,
那些奶酪就像士兵一样自己爬了出来 and then, like, commando-crawled their way out.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
经过了层层的关卡 And then, like, carabinered up, like, into a crotch.
最后到了胯下 Like, they're not items
这个不是可以给所有人都看到的 that are for anyone to see.
但其实我“无所谓”了 But now, I'm just like, "whatever."
你知道的，我有一个人类的阴道. You know, I have a human vagina.
(DONNA LAUGHING)
好了 刚才看到我的人 Okay, who here just saw my face
有谁觉得 这些是从犹太人集会的百吉饼店裡弄来的? and thought that they were at a bagel store in a synagogue?
谁会这样想 (ALL LAUGHING)
Who thought that?
刚才盯著我脸看的人 谁会觉得我是．． Who stared at my face and thought that I'm the product of
被滴了蜡的娜塔莉?安博莉亚 if a menorah fucked Natalie imbruglia?
但其实．．我还挺喜欢滴蜡的 你们懂的 But the menorah, like, had me. You know what I mean?
就像 两个女同性恋生了个孩子一样 You know, like when two lesbians have a baby,
所有人都会说"耶 她们成功了" and everyone's like, "yay! They did it!"
但有人会说"那肯定是凯伦的 And they're like, "but it's really Karen's.
或者是哈士奇的" "It's gonna be husky." (LAUGHING)
你们肯定会说我"你这女人真可怕" You guys are like, "you're a horrible woman."
其实这点 我也同意 But let me tell you, I agree. I agree.
我呢 不是单身啦 I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life.
我有个男朋友 I have a boyfriend.
嗯 他挺帅的 Um... yeah, he's cool.
他呢 他的JB还算能用 He's got a, you know, working dick.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
嗯 他不是狗 是人 可以这麽说 Yeah, he's a human male. I'll put it that way.
但是为了得到性福 我还是会发发情的 But I'm still honking down on that d, um, when I need to.
只是我想的时候才会 It's just that, after a while, it just becomes a step towards,
其实 不是我喜欢做那种事
只是 事后的话会有种感觉
随著节奏的运动 like, getting rhythmically banged out
烦恼就抛之脑后了 until your worries can go away,
然后你就可以大睡8小时 and you can pass out for eight hours.
我们就是这样的 That's sort of where we're at. (LAUGHING)
很正常的 很正常 我们试了很多种 Functional. Functional, you know.
We've worked out all the kinks.
老兄 我感觉 他已经要晕过去了 Oh, man, I think I just heard his heart stop beating.
我们刚开始约会的时候 我就很怕被爆菊 When we first started dating, my butthole was so scared,
有点怕少了浪漫的那种 you know, that it might, like, lose the chance at romance,
就怕他说 "都给我闭嘴" 然后就这样．．． that it was just like, "everyone, shut down," and it was like... (SQUEALS)
然后等他．． But then when he would, like, leave my apartment, I would be like,
要离开我公寓的时候 我就会这样说
"晚安" and pretend to be so confident in everything that just happened.
然后假装 刚才发生的所有事都很有自信
即使 我其实会这样想 "Was that cool when I did that?"
"刚才我那样 到底好不好 这样到底好不好?"
"Was that cool when I did that?"
然后我就一直用手淫解决焦虑 等他回来 Then I would just masturbate to my worries until he came back.
(ALL LAUGHING)
我会把门关上 I would just shut the door and, like, stand
然后在那儿站上好一会儿 然后．．． there for a minute and then just be like...
(IMITATES FARTING)
"不不 别做回以前的自己" And then it would be like, (HOARSELY) "But it feels so good. I gotta..."
接著又会想到"但感觉真的很好 我要．．．"
其实那是我屁眼在说话 That's my butthole's voice. "I gotta be me!"
"我只想做个单纯的屁眼" "I gotta be me!"
然后就又会放一个．．． (IMITATES FARTING)
(MAKING RHYTHMIC FARTING SOUNDS)
接著我上楼就会放很多 That's me walking up my stairs.
平淡无奇的孩子 Anyone need a barf bag?
嘿 一嗨 甜心 Hey. Hi, sweetie.
怎麽样啦 一挺好的 How's it going? Good.
我是不是傻掉了 这肥皂闻起来好像毒品? Am I having a stroke, or does this soap smell like popcorn?
你没有傻掉 一那就好 You're not having a stroke.
Good.
闻起来 就是你手的味道 平常就这味道 It just smells like your hand, you know.
Uh-oh.
Smells normal.
有一些人 想去另外一个酒吧 Um, a couple of other people are going to another bar,
我知道 你不喜欢离开你的活动范围 and I know that you don't like leaving the radius,
但是我真的很想去 but I really wanna go and have, like,
然后再多喝一点 one, two, one million more drinks.
嗯 我可能去不了了 Yeah, I don't think I can go.
好吧 那你是想直接回家吗 Okay. Do you wanna just go home,
然后我们可以一起把那个纪录片．．． Things have been kind of fucked up between us lately, you know?
我们俩最近之间有一些不太顺利
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Uh...
你在那儿讲的那些 And then you go, and you talk about it up there.
真的让我有种奇怪的感觉 It's just a very weird feeling for me.
你还在生我昨天晚上的气吗 Are you still mad at me about last night?
没 一因为我告诉你 我感觉不好了吗 Because I ate street meat from the cart at work.
因为我上班的时候吃那些街边食
然后你说 And also, you just said you didn't do
你没有做 我想做的事儿我．．． the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not...
我睡了凯特 I've been sleeping with Kate.
(CLEARS THROAT)
什麽 What?
我们不能再瞒著你了 You know, we can't lie to you anymore.
你居然说 "我们" 你们这麽亲密了? You're, like, a "we"? You guys are a "we" now?
(WHIMPERS)
我本来想早点告诉你的 (SIGHS) I wanted to tell you sooner.
但是你一直在这儿 But you're here all the time. Your schedule is all over the place.
你总是安排那麽多活动
我们从来就没聊过天 We never talk or anything!
可我每天晚上都在你家啊 I'm at your house every other night.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
你为什麽．．． Why are you... Stop looking at your phone while you're dumping me!
甩我的时候 就不要看手机了! Is she calling you? Is she asking you, "have you dumped her yet?"
是她打的吗 是不是她问你 "你甩掉她没有"
不是的 No.
你真是个混蛋．． 一抱歉 Or are you just such a dick... Sorry.
甩我的时候 居然还要看手机 ...that you're looking at your phone while you're dumping me?
我只是不知道 看哪儿好 I just don't know where to look.
你不知道看哪儿好? 那我告诉你 看这裡就好 You don't know where to look? Well, this is probably a good area.
(CELL PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
嗨 赖安 DONNA: Hi, Ryan.
我不知道 你收不收得到我的短信 I don't know if you're getting my messages,
但我真想和你聊聊 but I really (STAMMERING) Need to talk.
很抱歉 我没有听．． I'm sorry. I didn't hear the...
没关係 我不怕 你的自动应答 I don't care about the beep!
你不接我电话 还得我道歉了啊 I am also sorry that you cannot get to the phone!
(GROANING GUTTURALLY)
凯特得了乳头状瘤病毒 (VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
小心搞的你得尖锐湿疣 The kind of hpv where you get warts on your stuff
and, um, ovarian cancer.
还有卵巢癌
其实还有很多髒话 但是我毕竟是个女的 There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but I'm a lady.
到时她得癌症死了 Yeah, and then she dies of cancer,
然后你就会 欠一屁股债 and you're stuck with the bill, so...
我很抱歉刚才 I just wanted to apologize for the voice-mail
发给你那样的语音留言 that I just left on your voice-mail.
而且我还想说"神经病" And, um, I also wanted to say, "psych!"
(CHUCKLING MALICIOUSLY)
祝你拥有美好的人生 Have a great life!
4个女人裡 就我一个正常 没得乳头癌 I'll be here with my normal hpv
that one in four nice women have.
我连道歉留言也忍不住 And there will not be an apology message
破口大骂 待会儿我就不打过来再次道歉了 拜拜 for this apology message. Goodbye.
(MUFFLED SOBBING)
(KEYS JANGLING)
(DOOR OPENS)
你没事吧? 一内莉 NELLIE: You okay?
Nellie!
你就像是与生俱来的女同性恋 You look like a lez who just got back from birthright.
过去点 Move.
这些木屐鞋是你的 These clogs are yours.
赖安一直很讨厌我的木屐鞋 Ryan always hated my clogs.
我想这不再是什麽问题了吧? Well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh?
你收到我的短信了? You got my texts?
是的 很遗憾 I did do. I'm sorry.
你想谈谈吗? Mmm.
Do you want to talk about it?
好吧 Mmm-mmm.
Okay.
你现 在心情不好 我们不急著说 You're in shock. We don't have to talk about it.
我一直觉得赖安喜欢凯特 I always thought that Ryan was attracted to Kate,
但是我告诉自己说 那只是没有安全感 是自己在嫉妒 but then I just told myself I was being insecure and jealous.
现在 我最怕的东西成真了 And now, all my worst fears have come true.
重要的不是这个 What happened is he's a piece of shit, and she's a little bitch.
重要的是他是个混蛋 而她就是个贱人
我爱你 一我也爱你 I love you.
I love you, too.
做起来 You know I'd take a bullet for you, right?
你知道吗 我可以为你两肋插刀 一我知道 I know.
我说真的 一我知道 Right into my heart.
Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty.
内莉 你人真好 又漂亮
好 Okay.
你好点了吗? 要我陪你一起睡吗? You gonna be okay? Do you want me to sleep in here with you?
我不能这麽对你 I can't do that to you, because
因为我等下要放很多屁 I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod.
好吧 Oh. Okay.
你这麽说我就放心了 That sounds too cozy for me.
好了 我爱你 一我爱你 All right, I love you.
I love you.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)
堂娜 一该死的基恩 (WHISPERS) Donna. (GASPS) Oh, shit, gene.
对不起 对不起 我不是故意要吓你的 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
没事 是我对不起 我昨晚没睡好 No, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well.
听著 堂娜 Listen, Donna, um,
有件事我得跟你说 No, no, no. I already called the plumber. We're just...
不不 我已经叫了管道工了 我们只是．．．
这裡的浴室我们还得用．．．几天吧 We're all gonna have to use the bathroom on sixth
不是的 是．．． for, like, a few days.
It's not that. It's, um...
其实我不想说的 (SIGHS) Well, there's no easy way to spit this out.
但是房东在赶我们出去了 我们还有6周的时间 The landlord's kicking us out. We have six weeks.
什麽 What?
他们要关了这间店 They're closing the store.
疯了 这太可恶了 That's crazy! That's disgusting!
这裡就像是纽约的公共机构 This place is like a New York institution!
你来这有5年了 You've been here five years. Hmm.
我在这有30年了 I've been here for 30.
有时我们不得不忍痛割爱 Sometimes we just have to let go of the things we love.
你说的倒是轻鬆 That's really easy for you to say,
因为你要搬到伍德斯托克了 'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,
买点烛芯 and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles
和烛台 慢慢冷静冷静 and just, like, chill out all day.
嘿 听著不错哦 我想我是可以这麽做 Hey, that sounds pretty nice. I think I will do that.
听著 有改变是好的 堂娜 (BOTH LAUGH)
Listen, change is good, Donna.
大哥 这是你对我说过最粗鲁的话了 Oh, man, that's, like, the rudest thing you've ever said to me.
那个赖安 他没有绅士风度 You know, that Ryan, he was not a gentleman.
好 我马上给他打电话 Mmm. Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now,
告诉他你刚刚怎麽说的 You're not gonna waste one valuable moment
你不要浪费自己
宝贵的青春 在那想念他 of your young precious life mourning that boy.
我很乱 I'm a mess.
我在外面随时都会突然哭起来 I can't even be in public without bursting into tears.
我想我在每辆地铁上都哭过 And I think I've cried on every train line.
噢 宝贝 You know, when your mom and I split up, I thought my life was over.
那时我跟你妈分开时
我以为我的人生完了 You know what saved me?
你知道是什麽拯救了我吗?
是跟你吉姆叔叔走过的那段路 A long walk with your Uncle Jim.
我们边走边聊 聊到人生 聊到理想 We walked, we talked, and we talked about life, and spirituality,
还有身份和种族 and identity and racism.
聊到太阳出来了 And by the time the sun came up,
我们还看到第一个电视节目的预告 we had the premise for our first TV show.
"We had the premise for our first TV show."
确实是 We did.
闻著好香啊 一意麵 That smells good.
Pasghetti.
你最喜欢的酱 多放了点蜂蜜 一多点蜂蜜 Your favorite sauce, extra honey.
Extra honey.
我要吃完它 I can eat this.
有时创新的能力 You know, creative energy sometimes
是在你人生最低谷的时候发觉的 comes from the lowest point in your life.
但是 爸 你还有个伴跟你一起 But, dad, you had a partner to do all of that with.
而我只是我自己一个人打拼 I'm just up there alone by myself just beating myself up.
怎麽说呢 Well, negativity will either be
消极 既是你最好的朋友 又是你最怕的敌人 your best friend or your worst enemy.
你想要怎样克服你的恐惧呢? How do you want to approach your fears?
泰勒诺(镇痛药) Tylenol pm.
不对 是好好活著 (LAUGHING)
No. Living.
好好活著就是最好的复仇办法 Living is the best revenge.
你快点吃 等你吃完了 So eat up, and then when we're finished,
你过去看看你妈妈 you're gonna go visit your mom.
她很担心你 She's worried about you. Ugh.
你们两个应该知道 You guys need to know
有的小孩 there are some children out there
跟他们父母有几个月没说过话的 who don't talk to their parents for months.
甚至连电话都没一个 一是吗? 真的吗? Like, even on the telephone.
那不是我的孩子 Really? Really?
Not my child.
好吧 一谢谢 Okay. Thank you.
你这很失常 You're an aberration.
你大错特错 You're all wrong.
你才是 不寻常的那个人 You're the weird one.
你真漂亮 你别动 就这样 You're so pretty. Now just hold up, just for a second.
你为我感到自豪吗? 一我很自豪 Are you proud of me?
I'm very proud of you.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
我以前有个学生开了一间短工中介 You know, an ex-student of mine started a temp agency.
他们专门把人介绍到娱乐场所去 They specialize in placing people in the entertainment world.
帮我拿下鸭肉酱 Pass the duck sauce.
你就快失业了 You're about to lose your income.
你好像一点都不担心的样子 You don't seem the least bit concerned.
我心情不好 妈妈 相信我 真的很不好 I'm terrified, mom. Believe me, I very much am.
而且我是不会去 But I'm not going to work for one of your business school students.
你那个学生的公司工作
你都快30岁了 You're almost 30 years old. You still don't know how to do your taxes.
你还不知道要怎麽处理你的税务
还要好几年才30岁呢 I'm a couple of years away from 30,
还有没人知道要怎麽处理他们的税务 and nobody knows how to do their taxes.
你有跟中介说你要从事商务工作吗? Have you spoken to your agent about booking any commercial work?
还没有因为最近 You know, I haven't, because recently,
她总是在手淫 she put her entire body into her oven.
Ugh!
你就没有好好说过话 You're never serious.
我今年要用特波税务软件 可以吧 I will use turbotax this year, okay?
把碟子给我 Hand me the plate.
我不知道你有没有发现 Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but
我现在正面临感情危机 I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now.
我知道你能从悲伤中走出来 I know you're going through some pain right now,
因为不管什麽事 你一向都能挺过来的 but you're always gonna be going through something.
我有好几个月没有向你借钱了 And I just did that commercial for the organic douche,
我刚做了一个器官冲洗的活
这个工作福利很好 which is gonna be a real boon to my image.
我很高兴你做冲洗的工作 因为薪酬很高 Well, I'm glad you did the douche job. The douche paid well.
好了别再说"冲洗"了(douchebag有人渣的意思) Definitely, stop saying "douche."
其实还有很多选择 There are other things in your life you could
都可以负担得起你的生活 afford to be a little more selective about.
比如说 你的下一个对像 Your next beau, for example.
我永远都不会忘记 那次吃饭时 他说他的高考成绩 I'll never forget that brunch when he told us his sat scores. (LAUGHING)
妈妈 真的吗 很多人都不是考神 Mom, really, a lot of people aren't good test-takers.
你就是啊 不过你现在浪费了780个动词 You were. And now you waste that 780 verbal
来讲述你拉稀拉到裤子上了 on telling jokes about having diarrhea in your pants.
(MUFFLED GROANING)
该死的 Fuck it.
我再喝3口 DONNA: I'll take three more sips,
如果他还没来 我就走了 and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go.
(SNIFFLING)
不对 应该再喝多两口 (VOICE BREAKING) I'll take two more sips, actually.
如果那个穿著 And if the lady in the tan jacket
褐色夹克的女士过完马路了 crosses the street on the second sip,
那就说明我得回去了 then that means that I should go home.
混账东西 Motherfucker.
你在干什麽? 我到底在干嘛? What are you doing? What am I doing?
快回家吧 Just go home to your house.
该死的 Fuck!
(DOG BARKING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
他们还养了一隻狗 They have a fucking dog.
你去干什麽了? What were you doing?
就是出去跟踪了一下下 Just out doing some light stalking.
晕死 No!
我有什麽问题吗? What is wrong with me?
没问题 你什麽问题都没有 Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
我之前怎麽不知道 How did I not know?
他们俩都不爱社交 Those two are sociopaths.
这是我的错 This is my fault.
我就不该在台上说我们的关係 I never should have talked about our relationship in my act.
不 别想这些 你知道你有多伟大吗? No, fuck that noise. You know what is so great about you?
我是不是很会叠衣服? I'm good at folding the laundry?
不是 亲爱的 你的衣服叠的很糟糕 No, sweetie, you're terrible at folding the laundry.
你的伟大之处是 You are unapologetically yourself on that stage every time,
你每次在台上都不会自我道歉认错
这就是大家喜欢你的原因 and that's why people love you.
听著 我不会让 That mouth-breather and fucking bag of bones bring you down.
那个白痴和那个皮包骨 让你不开心的
其实 她的体重还真是我的目标 一她那样不好看 She's actually my target weight.
That is gross.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
我觉得有趣的事 就应该说实话 I guess comedy is supposed to be honest.
我给你们讲讲我的一些事吧 So let me just tell you a little bit about me.
如他们所说 我喜欢男人 就像我喜欢咖啡一样 Um, as they say, I like my men the way I like my coffee.
很噁心 Uh, disgusting,
就是很软 很苦 like, very weak and bitter,
很冷 而且一点都不甜 and cold, not sweet at all.
底部也会有沉淀物 如果你知道这种咖啡 Very gritty on the bottom as well. If you know coffee like that,
我会说"你是多少号?" I'm just like, "what is your number?" (CHUCKLING)
现在我们都想像一下 底部沉淀的画面 And now that we're all picturing a very filthy bottom,
我觉得是时候把一个人叫上台来 I think it's time to bring one to the stage.
她就是我这世上最好的朋友 And she's my best friend in the entire world.
我相信你们大家会向我一样喜欢她 I think you guys are gonna love her just as much as I do.
各位 有请堂娜?斯特恩 Everyone, please welcome Donna stern!
(CHEERING)
耶 Yeah!
Whoop!
来了 Here we go.
过得还好吗 一不好 Everything cool? (GROANING) No.
(CLEARING THROAT)
我喜欢这傢伙 I love that guy.
我刚刚在浴室裡 Okay. I was in the bathroom
因为我只剩下这个了 'cause that is all that I have left.
(GROANING)
也算是一种练习 Does it count as exercise
如果你因为哭的很伤心 if you are just squeezing your body
而经常把自己抱得 all the time super-hard, super-tight,
很用力 很紧 'cause you're just crying so hard?
难道你们觉得合理吗?
这是个反问句 That was a rhetorical question.
我该要转身了 对吧 Uh, I should probably turn around, right?
不废话了 MAN: No shit!
好了 Okay. All right.
不要自言自语了 太没礼貌了 "No shit" yourself, sir. It's a swear. Rude.
Um... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
如果你们看到我脸上有 很深 很深的皱纹 In case you can't tell from my deep, deep ridges on my face,
那是因为最近我被一个 还活著的地球男甩掉了 I was recently dumped up with
by a human male who is still alive.
所以 祝他一切都好 So, good for him.
我觉得如果有人 I feel like when someone does something bad, they should just die.
做了什麽坏事 他们应该去死
但是相反 其实是我们在慢慢的死去 并看著他们的幸福正在绽放 But instead, we die a slow death
and watch their happiness bloom.
谨遵医嘱 Doctor's orders.
我一个很要好的朋友 她人非常好 My very nice close friend who's such a nice person
她决定跟我男朋友上床 decided to fuck my boyfriend.
我很想杀了他们 I would love to just murder-suicide them.
很多人说我像安妮。弗兰克 (SIGHS) A lot of people say I look like Anne Frank.
我在大屠杀中肯定不能倖存 这点可以确定 I would never have survived the holocaust. That's for sure.
如果你够酷 这就像艺术 If you were cool, this could be art.
或者如果我能酷的起来 Or if I were cool.
你不想听这些吗? 要不要把钱给你 Oh, is this not working for you? Do you want your money back?
因为这个节目是免费的 I want my life back, but I can't get it back 'cause it's ruined.
我想回到我的生活 但是已经回不去了 因为已经毁掉了
这就是我所遭受的代价 So that is a cost I have incurred.
我还要给你们讲讲 I'll share more. I'll share more.
你们看起来还挺喜欢的 You guys seem to be fucking loving it.
少儿不宜的事 Full-blown affair, you know? Like, who is she? Like, faye dunaway?
就像她是谁? 菲。唐纳薇?
你明白什麽意思吗? 就是"扭屁股" You know what I mean? It's, like, "cool move."
这个一定会让你们觉得 This kind of thing makes you think
我是个XX00高手 对吧? I'm pretty good at fucking, right?
其实是因为她是个高手 It's 'cause she's one of those fucking girls with a thread count.
这世道就是这样 This place is a fucking shithole.
所以我很高兴出现在你的花名册上 So I'm really glad to be on your roster.
因为她在他JJ上慢慢的上下挪动 She's just going up and down on his dick so slowly
因此他清楚的知道她的技术如何 so that he knows exactly how blonde her pussy is.
然后我就进去 杀了他们 Then I just come in, and I murder-sui everything,
然后她玷污了她的床单 and then she gets stains on her sheets.
Hooah! (LAUGHING)
Hooah!
但是不管怎样．．． But anyhow, um...
这是最糟的一次 一还不至于 That was the worst.
It wasn't that bad.
好了 我说实话 是很可怕 Okay, don't get me wrong. It was horrible.
但这不是我见过 最糟糕的趣事分享 But it wasn't the worst comedy I've ever seen.
这不是什麽趣事 这也不是什麽表演 That was not comedy. That was not even a performance.
也没有表演艺术 That was not even performance art.
我想今晚 I think a lot of people learned
有很多人都学会大屠杀了 a lot about the holocaust tonight.
你知道这件事 (SIGHS)
最悲哀的地方是什麽吗? You know what the saddest thing
It's that not only did Kate fuck my boyfriend and ruin that area of my life,
不只是因为
凯特跟我男朋友上床 毁了我的人生
而是我现在都不能站直了 I hate how much you're focusing on Kate in all of this.
站直是唯一一样我比她好的事
我讨厌你什麽事都围绕著凯特
如果你开始为她辩护的话 I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust.
那我马上消失
我只是想说 她没有骗赖安跟她上床 All I'm saying is, like, she didn't trick Ryan into fucking her.
而是他 他是个混蛋 He's a fucking asshole.
(CHUCKLES)
好了 我觉得有这样的经历很不错 Okay. Well, this experience has been so cool for me.
不过我得回家了 穿上我的运动裤 Um, but I have to go home, and put on my sweatpants,
尽量保持沉默 知道死去 and try and hold my breath until I die.
不行 你得在这儿跟我喝酒 No! You have to stay here and drink with me.
我们要喝醉 我请你喝 We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying.
Mmm!
(EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING)
你好 能给我两杯杰克丹尼配可乐吗? Hi. Can I get two Jacks and cokes, please?
Whoa! (LAUGHING)
你偷看都能看的两眼直发光 You're really lasering into me with your peepy missiles there.
什麽? What?
我说 你偷看都能看的两眼直发光 I said that you were lasering into me with your peepy missiles.
我的两眼直发光 Are my eyes my peepy missiles?
我又不是医生 I'm not a doctor.
抱歉 Yeah, sorry, sorry.
这两杯都是你的吗? Both those drinks for you?
那两个都面对著你吗? Um... Are both those faces yours?
惨了 我把愉快的对话搞砸了 No, I crashed and burned this conversation.
不 没有 你没有 没事的 No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on. No, it's okay.
天啊 懒人鞋? Oh, man, slip-ons?
懒人鞋怎麽了? What's wrong with slip-ons?
现在是冬天了 It's the winter!
这鞋子是通用的 These are an all-purpose shoe.
那是在你兄弟会时通用 For all purposes inside of your frat house
大家都出去打乒乓球 where everyone's going ping-pong,
在住的地方互相投掷烟蒂 and throwing their house out at the end of the year.
年末的时候把他们逐出家门
这就是人们所说的"去威廉斯堡" Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they say, "go to williamsburg."
"欢迎来到布鲁克林 "Welcome to Brooklyn where they judge you by your shoes." It's great.
一个从看鞋来判定人的地方" 很好
这裡不是弗吉尼亚 威廉斯堡? This isn't williamsburg, Virginia?
天啊 我这次 Oh, my God! I've been in the wrong
进错威廉斯堡了 williamsburg for this whole time, man.
我还没去过弗吉尼亚 Yeah. No, I haven't been to Virginia, but this is not it.
我去过 I have.
你去过? 一对 I went to Virginia on a class trip with my science teacher,
我跟我科学老师去弗吉尼亚班级旅游
因为我是城市孩子 because I'm a city kid, so they wanted
所以他们想带我们去看看乡村 to take us to go see, like, the country.
她知道有匹马死在哪个地方 And she knew where this horse had died in a field.
她要把它挖出来 好让我们看看它的骨架 She wanted to dig it up so that we could see its skeleton.
但是等我们挖出来 它还没有完全腐烂 But when we dug it up, it hadn't even decomposed at all,
因为已经有很长时间了 'cause that takes, like, a very long time.
马的脸上都长虫子了 And, you know, it had worms on its face.
那种老师得好好收拾一顿 太可怕了 That teacher should be put away. That's awful.
那天我们把她给杀了 一别说了 We murdered her that day in that field.
Stop, it's...
听到结果就好 That's the only conclusion. That's the only thing that could happen.
这是唯一的结局
不是 她就像．．． (EXCLAIMS) And all the children ran away.
所有孩子都跑走了 But I just stayed, and I looked
只有我留下来 我看著它安详的脸
at its sleeping face, you know.
你经历的事还真是多 一是啊 That's a lot of story.
Yeah, it is.
我喜欢你的衬衫 一谢谢 I like your shirt.
Thank you.
这件衬衫男叫马克斯 This nice shirt's name is Max.
嘿 这位女士的名字叫堂娜 Oh, hey. This lady's name is Donna. Hey.
我的衣服叫布伦达 And my shirt's name is Brenda.
她是个大嘴巴 一很好 (BOTH LAUGH)
She's a loudmouth.
Great.
嗨 布伦达 嗨 堂娜 Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.
听起来你更喜欢布伦达 Seemed like you waved more at Brenda.
马克斯 你今晚怎麽会过来的? So, Max, how did you end up here tonight?
跟客户 我这有几个客户 Uh, clients. I'm here with some clients.
我在一家电脑公司上班 I work for a computer company.
我们设计程序 We design a program that basically,
如果你玩过多人游戏 if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game,
跟全球的人一起玩 people all over the world, it's like you're actually playing it live.
就像你在现实中玩一样
比如说手机上 就像你真的．．． So, it's like a phone call, and it's like you're really...
那就是说像手机一样一 连接起来 I've made phone calls. That's cool.
我在手机上玩过 很好玩 一对 没错 So imagine that, but with a video game.
想像一下 跟视频游戏
你拿起电话 然后说 Oh! You pick up the phone, and you're like,
"嗨 电脑在吗?" "hi, is computer there?" And it's like,
我要跟你连接视频游戏 ""I'll connect you to video game"?
对 差不多就是这样 It's... yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah.
不过他们有一位的老婆 听说了这裡 But one of their wives heard about this place.
对了 后面还有趣事分享吗? So here we are. Is there comedy in the back?
有 Yeah. DONNA: No.
其实 我就是 Actually, I had just hosted a show
在后面主持节目的 然后堂娜表演 back there, and Donna performed.
你没看到吗? 一没有 我没找到地方坐 You didn't catch any?
No, I couldn't find the room.
都是些不愉快的经历 'Cause she was amazing tonight. You know what? Thank you.
因为她今晚太惊人了 一你知道吗 谢谢
就跟她往常一样优秀 Like, she's always great,
不过 今晚 我想说 but, like, tonight, I would say,
她说的很精彩 特别是要点 she was, like, particularly on point.
很有趣 一恭喜 真厉害 Interesting.
你经常这样? MAX: Congrats. That's awesome.
You do this a lot?
是的 已经习惯了 Yeah, it's a habit.
好吧 Okay. All right.
还要再来一杯吗? 你们还想再来一杯吗? Another round? You want to do another round?
好啊 Yeah. Sure.
我尽力 我尽力喝 I'll try it. I'll try drinking.
好 MAX: Okay.
完美时刻 一对 对 Perfect timing.
好 我过去了 MAX: Okay, okay.
All right. On it.
Yo!
他很不错 兄弟 He is hot, bro!
是的 没错 但是他 Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian. He's like a Christmas tree.
好像基督 他就像一棵圣诞树
那你就当上门的天使 谁在乎呢 So be the fucking angel on top. Who gives a shit?
我不是上门的天使 I'm not the angel on top. I'm the menorah
我是树上的烛台 要将它烧燬 on top of the tree that burns it down.
然后他们可能会说"是不是不应该在上面放烛台" And they're like, "ugh, shouldn't have
had that menorah on top of me."
他好像瞭解圣诞老人一搞定他 He, like, knows Santa.
Sit on him.
"圣诞老人 你可以帮我忘掉过去吗?" "Santa, can you help me forget my memories?"
可以的 你现在就可以的 一我不这麽认为 这不．．． Yes, exactly. Now you get it.
I don't think so. That's not...
我是从佛蒙特州的一个小镇来的 I'm from a small little town in Vermont.
我初中是在一个仓库裡读的 很有趣吧? My grammar school was in a barn. How cool is that?
是很有趣 That is cool.
是吗? 很美好 Right? Pretty sweet. (LAUGHING)
是不是骗人的? 是真的吗? Is that a lie? Is that true?
是真的 It's a truth. It's the truth. Hmm.
你觉得你能看出 Do you think that you can tell when
一个人是戴女子假髮 还是男子假髮吗? somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee?
你戴了假髮? Do you have a wig on? Mmm-hmm.
我就知道 I knew it.
我的男假髮上还戴了一个假髮 I have a wig over my toupee.
你看得出我戴了男假髮吗? Ha-ha!
Can you tell that I'm wearing a toupee?
我只猜对了一半 I was only halfway right.
坐等你看到 我的假阴毛 Wait till you see my merkin.
噢 不 Oh, no.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) (URINATING)
该死的 这外面真冷 Fuck, it is so cold out here!
我恐怕得给你拿一个袋子 I'm afraid I'm going to get your splash-back.
这是不是犯法的啊? MAX: Is this illegal?
我们会不会被抓起来? Can we get arrested for this?
不是吧 你是什麽人啊? 你从没在外面撒过尿吗? Are you... who are you? You've never peed in public before?
没有 我没干过 No. That's not me.
泳池呢? What about pools?
也没有 不可能 No, no way.
难道你在泳池裡尿过尿? I've peed in every pool I've ever been in.
我在每个泳池裡尿过尿
(BOTH LAUGHING)
天啊 (FARTING) (GASPING)
Oh, my!
你刚刚是不是对著我的脸放屁了? Did you just fucking fart in my face?
不 No.
是的 我．．． Yeah. (STAMMERING) I'm...
对不起 你没事吧 I'm sorry. Are you okay?
你在哭吗? Are you crying?
别哭了 好吗? Don't cry, okay?
(LAUGHING)
你在笑? 一谁会哭啊? Are you laughing?
你对著我的脸放屁 一我．．．是的 Who would cry?
You farted in my face.
I'm... it happened.
对不起 I'm sorry.
(ENERGETIC FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
不会吧 (WHISPERS) No fucking way.
我不会去的 DONNA: Ew. I would not hire myself in this.
你什麽时候又要开始 When do you start again?
我随时待命 也就是说 I'm on call, which means that I only get
等哪个接待员生病了 就会叫我去 to work if the other receptionist gets sick.
那我们得祈祷有禽流感了? 一没错 So we're praying for bird flu?
DONNA: That's right.
照镜子时 我一脸的傻样 Oh, wow. Cool, I have the dumbest mirror face in the world.
拜託 人人都是这样 Please, everybody does.
但是我看起来就像狮子狗 No, but I look like a shih tzu.
我看起来就像个小狮子狗 I look like just a little shih tzu.
你只是想说"傻子"吧 You just want to say "shit."
不是的 That's... you know, that's not not true.
给 你试试这件 Here, try this on.
谢谢你给我这件烂布料的衣服 Oh, wow. Thank you so much for this flammable piece of shit
很快就会起皮疹的 that's gonna give me a rash in one second.
一穿上 就觉得我 有种老妓女的狐臭味 And I also just activated, like, an old whore's Bo.
我的波波好痛 Oh, my boobs hurt really bad.
可能怀孕了 Maybe you're pregnant.
嘿 好看吗? 如果有扣子就好．．． Hey, is this cute? I mean, if it had a button, would it be...
怎麽了? 怎麽回事? What? What's wrong?
天啊 我怀孕了 Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.
什麽? 不是啦 我只是开玩笑的 What? No! I was just kidding.
不是 我大姨妈还没来 从没推迟过 No, I'm late. I'm never late.
而且我的波波又胀又痛 And my boobs are super-swollen and sore.
不是 只是．．． 你要来大姨妈了 No, it's just... You're getting your period.
不是的 我波波从来没痛过 No, I'm never boob-sore. (SNIFFLING)
那也有可能是压力 Didn't you say that when you found out you were pregnant,
你不是说你怀孕的时候
波波会痛吗? the one sign was that you had boob soreness?
是的 但是你个赖安 都好几个月没有上床了 Yeah, but you and Ryan haven't had sex in months.
我知道 I know.
天啊 你跟那个放屁仔没有用套吗? Oh, my God! You didn't use a condom with pee farter?
I don't...
当然有 Of course, I did.
我不知道 I don't know.
等下 (GRUNTS) Hold on.
我记得我看到有套的 Yes, I remember seeing a condom.
只不过我不知道 发生什麽事了 I just don't know, like, exactly what it did.
好吧 可能你没有怀孕呢 Okay, look, you're probably not,
我们得去测测看 but we'll go get a test.
我得去书店收拾东西 得20分钟 I have to pack up the bookstore in, like, 20 minutes.
好吧 我去买验孕棒 然后我再去书店找你 Okay, I'll go get a test, and I'll meet you at the bookstore.
好吗? 一好 Okay? Yeah.
没事的 我相信你没有怀孕 It's going to be fine. I'm sure you're not.
不 你错了 No, you're not.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
你们把录音机放在浴室还真奇怪 It's weird that you guys keep a radio on in the bathroom.
吉恩很害羞 这样他会好点 Yeah, gene has shy bowels, and it helps him to go.
我定了个3分钟的闹钟 一好 Okay, I've set the timer for three minutes.
Okay.
还有 And...
减号表示没有怀孕 然后加号表示．．． One line is not pregnant, and plus sign...
完蛋了 You are fucked.
一条槓 一条槓 DONNA: One line, one line, one line.
顺便拉个便便来等你 Just going to take a big, stinky shit while we wait.
很好 这样计时不错 Perfect. Cool timing.
别盯著它看 Don't stare at that stick.
好吧 Okay. I'll just...
(EXHALES SHARPLY) (URINE TRICKLING)
你只是尿尿吧? You're just peeing, right?
好 Great.
你想听听 Do you want to hear the story about
我第一次怀孕时的情况吗? when I went to get my first pregnancy test?
我们住的地方 It was, like, 2.5 Miles between where
大概离药店有2．5英里 we lived and where the pharmacy was.
我又不能叫我妈开车带我去 所以我只好．．． (FADING AWAY) I couldn't ask my mom to drive me, so I had to...
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)
(INAUDIBLE)
调频成功 DONNA: If you've just tuned in,
您正在收听的是堂娜的头脑秀 you're listening to the Donna's brain show,
我就是大脑的声音 and I'm the voice of the brain.
今天我不得不问一个白痴问题 Who, after being dumped and losing her job, recently had,
是谁 被男朋友甩 工作也丢了 最近还．．．
等一下 跟一个陌生人毫无保护措施的上床 excuse me, may have had unprotected sex with a stranger.
你的衣服我脱不掉 Did I leave anything out?
我有说漏什麽吗? We used a condom.
我们用了避孕套
好吧 这我没有听说 Okay, well, that's not what I heard.
我们来吧 Let's do this!
用锋利的牙齿打开 Note the razor-sharp teeth.
I got it!
我们应该用手打开 We should have been using our hands.
不不可能 No. No way.
好了 (DONNA GRUNTING)
我不会摔跤 Yes!
I don't know any wrestles.
你发现了吗? 有5秒规则 5秒规则 Did you find it? It's a five second rule. Five second rule.
Boop boop.
拜託 我觉得应该是．．．． Oh, come on. I think that it was more like...
给 先生 这有一个避孕套
只能说你记不起来了 DONNA: Might it be correct to say that you cannot recall?
我有点晕了 Russian roulette with your vagina.
你觉得晕是因为
你跟你的下面玩了俄式轮盘
你知道霍克?霍肯的名字叫特裡吗? Did you know that hulk hogan's name is Terry?
时间到了 It's time.
(PHONE ALARM RINGING)
时间到了 It's time.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
天啊 你这什麽表情 Oh, God, your face.
我的天啊 要吐了 DONNA: Oh, my God, barf rush.
我这是孕妇晨吐吗? Do I have morning sickness?
不是 可能只是心理作用 No, that's probably just psychosomatic.
盒子裡还有一根 我们试试另一根吧 Okay, there's two tests in the box. Let's take another one.
抱歉 我要吐了 一好 (RETCHING) I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up.
Okay.
(LOUD METALLIC CLANGING)
(WATER RUNNING)
(CLANGING RESUMES)
(GASPING)
是不是有人做噩梦了? 一噢 天啊 爸爸 Did somebody have a bad dream? (SCREAMS) Oh, God, dad!
这个东西吓死我了 That thing is freakin' so frightening.
我想是的 Oh, I guess I am.
来给我个吻 Come on, give us a... Come on, give us a kiss.
我爱你 (IMITATES KISSING)
你自己亲吧 I love you. I love you.
Kiss yourself.
这裡好热啊 It's, like, 100 degrees in here.
玩偶需要在热的环境裡做 Puppets work best in heat.
(MUFFLED GROANING)
嗨 堂 谢谢你的耐心等待 Hi, dawn. Thanks for waiting.
是堂娜 It's Donna.
对不起 少说了个"娜"字 I'm so sorry. Must have missed the "na."
我的眼镜哪去了 Where are my glasses?
在这裡 Um, here.
谢谢 堂娜 Thank you, Donna.
Mmm-hmm.
你的测试结果是阳性的 你真的怀孕了 Your test came back positive, and you are indeed pregnant.
该死 Fuck!
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
对不起 我说粗口了 Sorry for cursing.
没事的 我听的太多了 That's all right. I've heard it all.
那我们谈谈你的选择吧 So, let's talk about your options.
Um...
我想做流产 I would like an abortion, please.
这听起来很残忍 我也不确定 That sounds very insensitive. I'm not sure.
就好像点外卖一样 草率 Sounds like I was ordering at a drive-through,
不过我还是想要流产 but I would like an abortion, please.
重要的是你已经深思熟虑过 It's important that you've put a lot of thought into this,
这个决定完全取决于你自己 and that this decision is entirely yours.
我也会为你提供 I'd also like to provide you with
一些人流的资料 all the information you need about abortion
还有其他选择的也有 as well as other options.
好的 Yeah.
我已经思考过了 Um, I have thought about it,
我必须得这麽做 and this is what I need to do.
好的 Okay.
从你上次月经的第一天看来 So, based on the first day of your last period,
已经有3个星期 发现的很早 you're about three weeks along, which is pretty early.
说实话 现在拿掉实在是太早了 In fact, it's too early to get the procedure done with us.
好的 Okay.
所以你得等等 It means you need to wait.
我给你预约时间 两个星期后吧 I'd like to set the appointment for two weeks from today.
就是14号 That'll put it on the 14th.
2月14号? 一对 February 14th?
Yeah.
Oh.
噢 天啊 Oh, my!
那我们可以晚一天 I guess we could do it the day after.
那是我妈妈的生日 Um...
That's my mom's birthday.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
连流产都要处处受阻 Can't even get an abortion right.
但是我猜你也不想等的太久 I'm guessing you wouldn't want to wait too much longer.
对 我们．．． No, let's have it...
那我们就在情人节做吧 Let's do it on Valentine's day.
把这张卡给接待员 Give this card to the receptionist
出门就是 她会帮你安排的 on your way out, and she'll schedule you.
好的 Okay.
(CLEARING THROAT)
我想问下 I should probably ask.
这得多少钱 How much does this cost?
临床手续费用大概500美元 An in-clinic procedure costs about $500.
真的吗? Really?
抱歉 (SNIFFLING) Sorry.
这差不多跟我整月房租一样了 That's, like, my whole rent almost.
但是这个费用包括艾滋病毒检查 还有性传播疾病检查 But the cost also covers an HIV test as well as std testing.
你有保险吗? Do you have insurance?
如果没有 我们可以提供财政资助 如果你符合条件的话 Well, if not, we can provide financial assistance if you qualify.
你有医疗补助吗? 一没有 Do you have medicaid?
No.
有朋友或家人可以帮忙吗? Any friends or family that can help?
好吧 我没有磁带了 Okay, I'm out of tape now.
嘿 这裡 小姐还有别的磁带吗? Hey, little lady, is there any more tape?
有 Yeah. Um...
浴室裡最上面一层有 Yes, there is tape in the bathroom on the top shelf.
(BELL CHIMES)
(SCREAMING)
Whoa! Whoa!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
我第一下叫声是因为惊叹 I did the first scream for screaming,
然后第二声 and then the second scream I had
是因为被我的第一声吓到 from scaring myself from the first scream.
嗯 我发现了 Yeah, I saw that.
我进来了 好吗? I'm gonna come in now, okay?
Yeah.
你过来干嘛? Ta-da.
What are you doing here?
你说过你在这工作 所以．．． You said you worked here, so...
没错 Oh, sure.
Oh!
<<荒野侦探>>这本书很棒 The savage detectives. This book is amazing.
可以99分卖给你 Well, it can be yours for 99 cents.
嘿 我刚刚路过一间墨西哥菜 Hey, I, uh, just passed a Mexican food truck on the way over here.
你想去吃吗? Do you wanna go get a bite?
Ooh. I...
我们之前在一起的时候 你说．． When we hung out before, you said, um...
你说过 你可以把整个墨西哥卷 含在嘴裡 插到喉咙裡 You said that you could mouth fuck the shit out of a burrito.
该死的 Oh. God damn it. (LAUGHING)
好吧 一好 Yeah. Okay.
还有 你还记得在街上尿尿吗? Also, do you remember urinating in the street?
除此之外还有事呢 Among other things.
什麽? What?
那是主要的事 一对 Oh, that was the main move.
All right. Um...
如果你有时间出 去休息一下吧? If you have time, take a little break?
我不能走 要不然这裡就没人看著了 Well, I can't leave the store unmanned, un-womaned.
那是自然 对 没错 Of course, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
好吧 All right.
那．．． Well...
我想改天叫你出去 我们来个正式的约会 I'd love to take you out sometime on a proper date.
事情是这样的 Well, here's the thing,
这间店就要关门了 遇到困难时期 is that the store is closing down, and it's a hard time,
再也不开了 and it's gonna take forever, and I have to put all the books in the boxes.
我得把这些书都装到盒子裡
现在一本都还没装 I'm the only thing in a box, and I'm not a book.
我是唯一一个 装在盒子裡的东西 可惜我又不是书
所以还不行 一嗯 没事 Not yet.
Yeah. Okay. Um...
没关係的 Totally.
这你不用担心 Yeah, don't worry about it.
Oh, I...
我不知道我在想什麽 Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
我已经有一本这个的副本了 I have a copy of this already.
那祝你好运吧 Well, good luck with the closing.
谢谢你也是 Thanks. You, too.
(BELL CHIMES)
我真不敢相信他进来店裡了 这有内涵哦 I can't believe he walked into the store. That's a sign.
这意味著．．． And that would be a sign saying...
我蹲在箱子裡 Like, that I'm a present in a box,
我应该和他去 and that he and I should go and start our beautiful life together.
然后开始我们美好的生活 You know, I'm not a straight guy...
你知道我不是个直率的人 一什麽? Oh, what?
但是我猜那是他最讨厌的礼物 ...but my guess is that most of them would hate that gift.
什麽?你是说 What? You're saying
那傢伙不喜欢一个 喝醉了的 在箱子裡的怀孕女孩? that a guy doesn't want a drunk, pregnant girl in a box?
如果你是个连环杀手 If you're a serial killer.
也许你可以告诉他 Maybe you wanna tell him.
不为什麽? No. Why? Why?
你又不欠他什麽 你甚至还不瞭解这个傢伙 You don't owe him anything. You don't even know this guy.
或许他有权知道 我怀孕的事吧 Maybe he just deserves to know that, like, this happened.
我没有神经病 我要去做人流 That I'm not psycho, and I'm going to get an abortion.
如果我搞的哪个人怀孕了 我就会想知道 You know, if I got someone pregnant, I would wanna know.
如果你搞得哪个人怀孕 我也想知道 If you got someone pregnant, I would also want to know.
也许每个媒体都想知道 'Cause all of a sudden, some dude's mouth would be pregnant.
因为头条可以写：某个傢伙的嘴巴怀孕了
我的天啊 别再开玩笑了 You are the one who has to get this procedure, pay for it,
你为什麽要纠结他应不应该知道?
是你想要做这个手术的 你给的钱
也是你要戴姨妈巾好吗? wear the fucking pad with the big wings, okay?
你想如果是他怀孕 You think if he was pregnant, he would be worrying about you right now?
他会担心你的情况吗?
不会 他会想著怎麽摆脱 他身体裡的那个生命 No, he'd be trying to get that fucking thing out of his body.
该死的 我们已经生活在父系社会 God damn it! You guys, we already live in a patriarchal society
这有一群奇怪的 where a bunch of weird old white men
老白种男人 制定法律来保护我们的屁眼 in robes get to legislate our cunts.
你只需要担心你自己 You just need to be worrying about yourself.
你为什麽要用这种眼神看著我 小贱人 And why are you looking at me like that, you little bitches?
你说的没错 Everything you're saying is valid,
但是你吓到我了 but you are scaring my dick off.
不管怎样 如果你想告诉他 Anyway, if your gut is to tell him,
那你就说吧 因为他人看起来挺不错的 I say do it, because he seems sweet.
我累了 I'm exhausted now.
痛吗? 一什麽痛吗? Does it hurt?
Does what hurt?
只有你才会知道 你的阴道会不会痛 You know, only you would know if your vagina hurts or not.
好吧 我是说流产痛吗? Okay. Does having an abortion hurt?
不同 只是做完后会痛 No, except for some cramps afterwards,
不过她们说就像痛经一样 but they feel just like period cramps.
他们会一刀一刀的剪开吗 Just take me through it snip-by-snip.
首先 不用剪 Okay, first of all, there is no snips,
整个过程 大概5分钟 and the whole thing literally takes, like, five minutes.
那太好了 你都不用取消的你行程了 That's amazing. You don't even have to clear your schedge.
不 你还是需要一整天 No, you still need the whole day.
因为他们会跟你说很久 Well, you don't have to clear your schedge, 'cause there's nothing on it.
你不用取消你的行程
因为其实没什麽事 (SIGHS)
你多久会想一次? How often do you think about it?
我时不时的就会想 偶尔 I think about it sometimes. Once in a while.
我那时真的很伤心 And then I get really sad for my little teenage self.
但是我从不后悔 But I never regret it.
你有告诉你妈妈吗? And did you ever tell your mom?
没有 她以为我在打曲棍球 No, she thought I was at field hockey.
你是守门员吗? 一我当然是守门员 Were you the goalie?
Of course I was the goalie.
我很高兴你来了 Oh. I'm glad you're here.
你好活跃 You're like an Eileen fisher ninja.
你就像艾琳?费雪忍者
我想继续跟你谈谈你的未来 I wanted to continue our discussion about your future.
好啊 正好 Okay, well, I have something that I would like to talk to you about as well.
我也有点事 想要告诉你
我先说吧 一好 I'd like to go first.
我昨晚睡不著 Great.
I couldn't sleep last night.
然后我就给你做了一个表格 包括你的开支 So I made a spreadsheet of all of your expenses,
工作机会 job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks
还有其他你需要注意的项目 that I think you should focus on.
好吧 其实你不用这麽做的 Okay, um, well, you didn't need to do that.
别废话 No shit.
等下我办公室有个学生要来 I have a student in my office right now,
我要给他点东西 and I have one about to deliver something.
等完了我们再说 好吗? So, we'll do it afterwards, all right?
Mmm-hmm.
还有 你能不能检查一下你的信箱? Oh, and could you please go through the mail?
我还有收到过你的助学贷款 I'm still getting your student loan crap.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
门开著呢 It's open.
你好 Hello.
不是在开玩笑吧? Are you fucking kidding me?
该死 Oh, fuck!
抱歉 我只是．．． I'm sorry. I just, um...
我没有跟踪你 这不是．．． I'm not stalking you. This isn't a...
噢 我的天啊 Oh, my God.
斯特恩教授 我想．．． 我要找斯特恩教授 Professor stern. I'm just... I'm looking for Professor stern.
嗯 她是我妈妈 Yeah. She's my mom.
她是你妈妈? 一对 She's your mom? Yeah.
Uh...
她是个天才 She's a genius.
说真的 她是我．．． Okay, seriously though, she's, like,
在商学院见过最厉害的老师 the best Professor I had in business school.
我看到你又在转你的眼球了 I see you about to roll your eyes again,
对吧? 不过我说的都是真的 all right? But that's the truth.
她点燃了我心中的一把火 She lit a fire in my belly.
好的 那叫做痢疾 Oh, okay. Well, that's called diarrhea.
不好意思 不过你这样 I'm sorry, but you just handed that one to me like a little present.
给我的话 就像给我礼物一样
也是 我们之前一起过 Yeah, you know, we've hung out before.
是这样的 你妈妈几个月前借了这本书给我 Anyway, your mother lent me this book a couple of months ago,
我现在想拿过来还给她 所以．．． and I'm just trying to get it back to her, so...
谢谢 Thank you.
拜託 Oh, come on.
你想嘲笑我的鞋吗? You made fun of my shoes?
这是我妈妈的 Oh, these are my mom's.
你想试试嘛? Do you wanna try them on?
不用了 No.
好吧 我试试 All right, yeah, I would.
太舒服了 That's amazing.
我平时不吸毒 I don't do hard drugs,
不过想像一下 这就像注射海洛因一样 but I imagine this is what it feels like to shoot heroin.
对 这双鞋很软 Yeah, oh, they're so soft.
就像是用天使乳房的肌肤做的 They're made out of, like, angel's titty skins.
她是这麽说的 Yeah, and then she said that, so...
给你 There you go.
(MAX CLICKS HIS TONGUE)
那．．． So...
抱歉 你想出去吃点什麽吗? Sorry, do you wanna go get some food or something?
你们准备好点餐了吗? Are you two ready to order?
其实 我还没。．． 一好了 可以了 You know what? Actually, I haven't had...
Um, we'll each have the chicken piccata over linguine, please.
我们各来一份烤鸡排配意面
好的 你的最爱 Of course. Your favorite.
谢谢 Thank you.
你是这裡的常客啊 Wow. You are a serious regular.
就是找一个 It's, like, the one place where I can go
可以穿尿不湿 并且适合自己的地方 and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in.
知道了 Got it. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
而且我一般 I also don't normally order for the person that I'm with at a restaurant,
不让跟我一起吃饭的人点餐
不过烤鸡排是这裡的招牌 一点要试试 but the chicken piccata is the best that this place has to offer.
就像宝石 皇冠一样 It's the gem. It's the crown jewel.
你一定得试试 You got to have it.
没有什麽比热麵包配黄油更好吃的了 Well, there is nothing better than some hot bread and butter.
嗯 Yeah.
给你点 Here you go.
你刚刚是不是帮我加热黄油了? Did you just warm this butter up for me?
是的 Yeah.
你真好 That's really nice.
你不也挺好的吗 That's just what you do.
马克斯 我有件事想告诉你 Max, I have something I wanna tell you.
什麽事? What's up?
我要去洗手间 I have to go to the bathroom.
好 Great.
我差点就进去了 I kind of walked into that one, huh?
确实 Indeed.
你不是穿了尿不湿吗? Aren't you wearing a diaper?
但是上大号总不能用吧 Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it on a number one.
好吧 一尿不湿会超重的 Okay.
Diaper is for the heavy lifting.
嘿 马克斯 还记得我们上次一起睡的事吗? Hey, Max, remember from before when we did sex to each other?
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
马克斯 我爱你 不过我要去流产 Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion.
你要来点餐后甜点吗? Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect.
就这麽开头 对 就这麽开头
很好 这样很好
嘿 一哈囉 Hey. Hello.
你看到那对夫妇了吗? Um, do you see this couple?
嗯 Yeah.
他们真不可思议 They're incredible.
你走开后 The entire time you were gone, she has been reading off the menu to him,
她一直再给他念菜单
他指著哪裡 她就给她读哪裡 and he points at a new item, and she just tells him what it is.
也许只是因为他喜欢听 别人给他大声读出来 Maybe he just likes to hear his favorite things read out loud.
我也是这麽想的 That's what I thought.
我就喜欢这样的情侣 I just love couples like this.
虽然我没有一点皱纹 It's not a line.
但是我已经迫不及待但爷爷了 But I can't wait to be a grandpa.
天啊 Oh, man, yeah.
(CHUCKLING)
这麽大块的麵包 Really hitting that bread. You're gonna have room for that piccata?
你还吃得下烤鸡排吗?
两块一起 一真的吗? 好吧 Two. Yeah? Okay.
你最近有表演吗『}． You got any shows coming up?
有 明天晚上就有一个 I do. I have one tomorrow night, actually.
太好了 一嗯 Awesome.
Yeah.
在哪? 一老地方 一直都是那裡 Where?
Same place. Always same place.
好 很好 Cool. Cool.
我能来吗? Can I come?
屎 屎 屎 一我可以不去的 Shit. Shit! Shit!
I don't have to.
不 不是的 你踩到屎了 No, no, no. You stepped in shit.
什麽? 一屎 What? Shit!
晕死 Oh, come on! (LAUGHING)
这是我唯一一对鞋子 一我知道 These are my only shoes.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
这很好笑吗 你这也．．? 一没有我只是．．． (SIGHS)
This is great. You're just...
我很高兴．．． No, no. I'm just...
I'm glad it's... yeah.
我只是在想．．． I'm just, you know, just trying to get...
你在便便上盖了个章 You stamped right down on the doodie.
好吧 Okay!
好吧 All right.
你现在开心了? 一嗯 You almost got it out? Yeah.
你现在舒服多了? You're almost cleared?
对 没错 好多了 (LAUGHING)
我去买点清洁剂 我们明天见 Well, I'm gonna go get some bleach, and I'll see you tomorrow.
好的 一晚安 Okay. Good night.
你要这样一瘸一拐的回去吗? 一我不想弄到我的裤子 Are you limping?
I don't wanna get it on my pants.
对 我父亲是个很有趣的傢伙 Yeah. My father was, like, a funny dude, man, my father.
我觉得他就是我搞喜剧的原因 I think he's the reason why I do comedy.
他就像比尔?考斯比和理查德?普莱尔的相结合 He's like a cross between bill cosby and Richard pryor.
他像考斯比一样 把零食藏起来 He was cosby, like, in that he'd hide snacks around the house.
还有他像理查德?普莱尔一样 And he was like Richard pryor
加热吸用可卡因 in that he freebased cocaine.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
我能要一杯苏打水吗? Can I get a seltzer?
在呢麽了 SAM: What's up?
你就想只跳动的猫咪 You're a jumpy little kitty.
我什麽时候开始? When do I go on?
我正想跟你说这事 We're gonna have to end early, set up for an '80s dance party.
我们今天要早点结束 等下有个80年代舞会
不 你能给我5分钟时间吗? No. Can you just let me get five minutes? I just wanna do five minutes.
我只需要5分钟
你还在做那个分手的话题吗? You still doing that break-up material?
我只想讲我的趣事 I'm just doing my comedy, which is just talking about my life, so...
只谈论跟我人生有关的事儿
你不要看我写的东西 Don't look at my shit while I'm writing it down, man.
什麽?那很有趣 What? No, that's funny.
我觉得我的顾客也会这麽评价我的 I think my bodega man judges me, too.
真的 Yeah.
洛杉矶好玩吗? How was Los Angeles?
真会转话题 Yeah, I was in LA for three weeks, three shitty weeks.
我在洛杉矶待了3个星期 3个该死的星期
我很讨厌那个地方 I fucking hate that place.
四处奔波 开著一辆金色起亚车 Running around, driving a gold kia. That's all they had.
那裡一团糟 Well, there was a screw-up...
一定要开金色起亚? Had to drive a gold kia?
不是我选的金色起亚 I did not pick out a gold kia.
要是我选 我就选一辆青灰色起亚 或者灰褐色 I would pick out a pewter kia, taupe, tasmine,
就是灰褐色和淡黄色的混合色 which is combo of taupe and Jasmine.
不过 现在看来 But it now looks like I will be
我会搬过去参加试播季 moving out there for pilot season.
真的吗? 一嗯 Really? Yeah. I, uh...
我卖了一个试播 I sold a pilot.
恭喜啊 Oh, wow. Congrats.
我们一起去吧 Yeah, but let's get out of here.
我说真的 不是 堂娜 听我说 Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me.
我在帮这个有钱的朋友看房子 I'm house sitting for this crazy rich friend of mine.
是很有钱的那种 I mean crazy rich.
太棒了 很大 It's awesome. It's huge.
所有的现代人都喜欢 All modern like the stuff when you read
看有钱人出现在机场的 in the back of those rich people's magazines
杂志后面 that they have at the airport.
我不知道 一堂娜 你很久没出去过了 Oh, man, I don't know.
Donna, you haven't hung out in forever.
我们一起去吧 一定很疯狂 We'll get a crew together. It'll be like the old times.
我们可以一起工作 就像以前一样
1997年你加入了什麽讨论小组? What rap group from 1997 are you in?
胡迪尼 Whodini. (LAUGHING)
不 这是两种不同的混蛋 No, it was two different kinds of mustard.
天啊 这比外面巫婆的乳房还冷 我们往那边走 Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here. There we go.
Oh!
是我错过了吗? 一嗯 No, did I miss it? Yeah.
对不起 I'm so sorry.
工作太忙了 我3个小时前就像走了 I was trying to leave three hours ago.
没事的 That's okay. Um...
其实我现在要走了 I'm gonna go hang out with some comedians.
我要跟一些喜剧演员出去
Oh.
你还去吗? 一去 去 马上就来 You coming or what?
你也可以一起去 不过我觉得可能会很无聊 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec.
I mean, you can come, but I just think it might be boring
其实可能很沉闷的 or actually very depressing probably.
只有你们两个? Is it just the two of you?
不会的 It's not like that.
但是看起来像是的 That's what it looks like.
Um...
谢谢你过来布鲁克林 其实你可以不用来的 Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn, but you didn't have to.
是你邀请我的 You invited me.
我觉得我们没有订什麽具体的计划吧 Well, I didn't think that we made, like, concrete plans.
这个司机不高兴了 Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled.
好的 很快我得走了 抱歉 Okay, one sec. I need to go, but I am sorry.
我也是 Me, too.
玩的开心 Have fun.
我的理疗师 这是真的 My therapist, this is for real,
想立足于喜剧 真的 refers to stand-up as plays. I'm serious.
"你昨晚表演了 表演的怎样?" Like, "you did a play last night. How was your play?
"表演的好吗?" "How was your play? Was it good?"
你的理疗师是你的保姆吗? 一不 其实她是你的保姆 Is your therapist your Nana?
No, she's your Nana, actually.
保姆 一所以我才找她的 Oh, Nana!
That's why I go to her.
哦 (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
多明尼加女人 对吧? 一对 Dominican woman, right?
对 梨形身材 马利粉丝 Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan.
对 你确实很瞭解我的家族血统 Oh, yeah. No, you've definitely, yeah, nailed down my lineage.
好吧．．． All right, well...
我们之前怎麽没有这样? Hey, how come we've never done this before?
(CHUCKLING) Um...
因为几年前 我拒绝了你 Because a few years ago, I rejected you,
从那以后 我觉得你是坏蛋 and you've been the worst to me ever since.
乾杯 So cheers.
好 Right.
该死 Oh, shit. Fuck!
Oh. Um...
我有去污棒 真的 I have a stain stick. I really do.
那是化学物质 这是红酒 我得浸泡一下 That's all chemicals. This is wine. I got to soak it.
(SLOW R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
不会吧? Oh... what?
因为这件背心吗 It was either this or the baggy sweatshirt.
那你为什麽要买背心? Then why didn't you choose the baggy sweatshirt?
因为我想在你面前好看点 'Cause I wanted to look nice for you.
我得天啊 It's gonna be very hard to have a conversation with you
你这样穿著女性背心
我都不知道要跟你说什麽好了 while you're wearing that ladies' camisole.
那都让我来来说吧 Well, then I'll do all the talking.
我们刚刚说到哪了 What were we talking about?
我不知道 我现在一片空白 I don't know. You just erased my mind.
Oh. (SNAPS FINGERS)
关係破裂 Break-ups. Hmm.
没错 Yeah.
我刚和一个很差劲的人交往过 I just recently went through a pretty bad one.
她欺骗了你? 一更糟 She cheated on you?
Oh, worse.
有什麽比欺骗更糟糕的? 你想想 What's worse than getting cheated on? Think about it.
我搞不懂怎麽有人可以 I mean, I don't understand how a person
声称他们爱你 平时行为上也爱你 who can claim that they love you,
说话 举止都爱你 act like they love you,
say it in words, say it in action,
但是一转身 就跟你说 can then turn around in that same breath and tell you
他们不能爆菊 that they don't do anal.
天啊 我的天啊 Oh, for Christ's sake. Jesus Christ.
怎麽了? 我开玩笑的 What? I was kidding.
你要走了吗? Are you leaving?
是的 我要走了 Uh... Yeah, I'm gonna do that now.
我开玩笑的 I was kidding.
她当然愿意爆菊 Of course she did anal.
你这个白痴 No, she was Greek catholic. You know how they are.
不 她是希腊正教会教徒 你知道他们是怎样的
我不管什麽爆菊 还是你太蠢 I don't care about the anal or your stupid loft or any...
我真不敢相信 我居然跟你过来聊这些经历 I can't even believe I've made it this deep into this experience.
你知道我怎麽想的吗 你应该在这睡一晚 You know what I think, is that you should stay the night here,
我们继续聊聊天 还可以干点别的 and we can keep talking and work some stuff out.
Oh!
堂娜 别走 你还没看到我洗澡呢 Donna, come on. You didn't even see the shower.
堂娜 好了 我要打飞机了 你会很想看的 Donna! All right, I'm gonna jerk off. You're missing it.
(SIGHS)
嗨 我是堂娜 (VOICE BREAKING) Hi, it's Donna.
今晚的事情 很抱歉 真的 I'm really sorry about tonight. I'm really, really sorry.
我真的不应该．．． I never should have just...
我一看到你 我就紧张了 我有点意外了 I saw you, and I got very nervous. I got taken by surprise.
有些事我想跟你说 I have something that I wanna talk to you about,
我一直想跟你说实话 and I've been meaning to talk to you.
我不想把这些话 留在你的语音信箱裡 And I don't wanna leave it on your voice-mail.
所以．．．打给我 好吗 So, will you call me back, please?
谢谢了 拜拜 Thank you. Bye-bye.
先生你能调头 去曼哈顿岛吗 Sir, can you turn around and go to Manhattan, please?
可你说了布鲁克林啊 MAN: You said Brooklyn.
我突然改变主意了 I changed my mind.
(SNIFFLING)
(SOBBING)
嗨 Hi.
你病了? Are you sick?
几点了 What time is it?
可能12点了吧 I think probably midnight.
怎麽了 What's wrong? What going on?
妈妈 我可以跟你一起睡吗 Mom, can I come in bed with you?
当然 Yeah.
怎麽了 甜心 What's the matter, sweetie?
(SNIFFLING)
跟我说 Talk to me.
我怀孕了 我要流产去 (SOBBING) I'm pregnant, and I'm having an abortion.
(SNIFFLING)
(SIGHING)
谢天谢地 Thank God. (CHUCKLES)
我还以为你要跟我说 你要搬到洛杉矶去了呢 I thought you were gonna tell me you were moving to LA.
什麽 没有 What? No.
(SOBBING)
天啊 我还很怕告诉你这件事呢 Oh, God. I was so scared to tell you.
甜心 我知道最近我们没怎麽聊过 Oh, sweetheart, I know that we haven't been getting along lately,
但你也不用害怕告诉我呀 but you should never be afraid to talk to me.
我．． I was...
我害怕是因为 担心你生气和失望 I was scared that
you'd be very angry and very disappointed.
怎麽会呢 Well, I'm neither.
听著 我都不敢相信 我居然没告诉你这个 Look, I can't believe I never told you this,
我还在上大学的时候 我做过流产 but when I was in college, I had an abortion.
爸爸的? 一不是 不是你老爸的 Dad's?
No. God. Not your father's.
是我的大学男朋友 萝卜特 No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert.
过去那些时候 流产是违法的 And abortions were illegal in those days,
所以你外婆 就开著旅行车 so your grandma had to drive me in the family station wagon
带我去到了新泽西 all the way to New Jersey.
然后去了一个陌生人的住宅 And we had to go to some stranger's apartment.
等我到那儿的时候 我看到还有12个女人 When I got up there, there was 12 other women
在那裡已经昏过去了 just sitting there in some kind of stupor.
然后他们把我放到了厨房的桌子上 And they put me up on the kitchen table,
他们给我打了一针麻药 they gave me some kind of shot to put me out,
然后就没了 and that was that.
第二天晚上 我就在你舅妈16岁的派对上跳舞了 Next night, I was dancing at your aunt's sweet 16 party.
我都不知道这个 I didn't know that.
我之前在看一些旧报纸的时候 You know, I was going through some old papers,
那天找到了一本书 and I found this book the other day
是你11岁的时候写的 that you had written when you were 11 years old.
I wrote a book?
Yes, you don't remember?
你写给我的 You wrote it to me.
你军训的时候 每週给我发一章节 You sent me a chapter every week from camp.
讲的是一个 小女侦探温克斯 It was about this little girl detective named winks.
她得了痉挛 She had a twitch. (LAUGHING)
说到这个 我有本书要给你 Oh, I have a book for you actually
是你一个学生落下的 that one of your students dropped it off,
后来搞忘记给你了 and somehow it slipped my mind. I forgot to give it to you.
马克斯?布朗 Max brown.
他是不是老师的宠儿? Is he, like, a teacher's pet?
他是不是称讚你的羊毛衫了 Did he compliment you on your alpaca sweater?
说实话 他真的是个好学生 而且写作也很不错 Actually, he's a very good student and a pretty good writer, too.
有意思 你为什麽突然问到马克斯 Hmm. Interesting.
Why are you asking about Max?
没什麽 There's no reason. Mmm-hmm.
因为我觉得 他不是你的菜 Because he's not your type.
好吧 那我喜欢啥样的 Okay, what is my type?
Um...
臭男人 一妈妈 Smelly. Mom!
莱恩没有喷除汗剂和除臭剂 Ryan didn't wear deodorants with antiperspirant in them,
是因为怕得老年痴呆 Right. I would rather not remember smelling like garbage
好吧 我宁愿把臭味盖住
也不要遗臭万年啊 than remember that I'd been stinking my entire life.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
好吧 是的 你真是观察甚微 Oh, yeah, okay, that was, like, a very funny observation.
谢谢 一很丰满的笑话 Thank you.
You made a full joke.
真讨厌 我还以为 用座机打给你 可以骗到你 Darn it. I thought I would fool you with my 212 number.
嗨 又是我 又打给你了 Um, hello, it's me again, calling you again.
I, uh... I... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
我不记得上次打电话 I can't remember the last time I left a number
又没有把电话给你了 所以．． in my own speaking voice, so...
就用这个号打给你了 Anyway, here it is.
我5点之前会在书店裡 Um...
I am gonna be at the store until 5:00
之后8点30 会去趣事分享表演 and then maybe attempting to make people laugh around 8:30.
如果你想去的话 你可以去 Um...
You should stop by if you feel like it.
我保証 I promise I won't leave with a stranger unless that stranger is you.
我不会跟陌生人走 除非那个陌生人是你
拜拜 Goodbye.
他们说 约会要做回自己 JOEY: They say to be yourself on dates,
但从我经验来看 这绝对是个很糟糕的主意 but I actually think that's horrible advice from my experience.
没人愿意聊 杰弗里?达默如何性感 No one wants to talk about how Jeffrey dahmer was actually hot.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
又或者冒犯点说 我不是他的菜 Or how it's offensive that I'm not his type.
你肯定会很出彩的 You are gonna kill it out there.
我其实 明天还要去流产呢 抱歉啦 I actually have an appointment to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry.
我的乖乖 好吧 (BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, boy. Okay.
你想喝什麽 一苏打水 What do you want to drink?
一杯苏打 Seltzer, please.
One seltzer.
接下来 我很想有请另一个喜剧秀登场 JOEY: I really wanna bring the next comic to the stage now,
因为 我一想起她 就觉得太酷了 because I think everything about her is fucking cool.
我觉得大家呢 And I think that you guys are definitely going to agree with me on this.
绝对会赞成我的说法的
她又性感 又聪明 She is hot as shit and brilliant.
各位有请堂娜。斯特恩 Everyone, please welcome Donna stern.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
(BURPS)
你们大伙儿 喜欢我的歌声吗 You guys like my singing voice?
其实我都快听腻了 因为我是个成年女性了 I just burped into this because I'm an adult woman.
Um...
我喜欢做成年女性 I do like being an adult woman.
我一直都想的 I've always wanted to be that... (STAMMERS)
我曾一直想要 胸罩 女衬衫 I've always wanted to have just, like, a bra, and a blouse,
还有日程安排 and a schedule.
然后我就可以在家裡 扮成熟女性 Like, where I could just, like,
然后说 "噢 老天 我要迟到了" 你们觉得呢? "oh, my God, I'm running late," you know? Like...
我还一直梦想 能打车载电话．． I've always wanted to be able to be on the car phone and be like,
比如这样 "好啦 苏珊 没问题 "okay, Susan, will do."
"什麽 好吧 好的 回头说" "What? Okay. All right. Talk soon."
然后就挂了电话 还不用操心 And then just hang up and not worry about, you know,
厕所为什麽闻起来 味道怪怪的 why the bathroom smells in a weird way.
(LAUGHING)
但是 我今天不是来这裡说 车载电话的 Um, but I'm not here to talk about car phones.
我今晚来这裡的任务很不同 I came here tonight on a very different mission.
这个就是．．． And that is
跟你们说．． to say
to you that...
对不起 Sorry.
也就是想跟你们说 Which is to say to you
我怀孕了 that I am pregnant.
Ooh.
好吧 试水而已 瞧那位都被吓倒了 Okay, all right, testing the waters. I dropped that one down.
第二件事 我想大声说出的是 The second thing that I would like to say right now, out loud,
我要说出来了哦 and I'm gonna say it out loud right now.
很大声 我没事 一切都没事 Out loud, right now... I'm fine. Everything's fine.
只要说出来就好 大声说出来吧 Just rolling along with this, out loud, right now.
就是．．．我要去流产了 Is that I am going to have an abortion...
别晕过去了 继续呼吸 Okay, okay, keep breathing.
就是明天情人节哦 ...tomorrow, which is Valentine's day.
所以 我们就从那个说起吧 So, we'll start from there.
我很肯定 你们很好奇 到底怎麽怀上的 I'm sure you're wondering how this happened.
Uh...
说白了 A little thing I like to call
就是那天晚上 有点太草率了 getting banged out in the middle of the night, (CHUCKLING)
那晚的男人 真的太激情了 他人很好 The heat, heat, heat of the night, by a very nice person
但是我不太瞭解他 that I don't know very well at all.
我都不认识他 是个陌生人 但是很不错 I don't know. He was a stranger, but a nice one.
可能比外面所有的陌生人都要好 Probably the best of all the strangers that are out there.
但很明显 你们都不是陌生人了 And of course you guys aren't strangers anymore
因为 你们其实可以说 算是我生活中的一部分了 because now you're a part of my life in a big way.
所以 我不知道 (CLEARS THROAT)
你们应该觉得 我还没做好当妈妈的准备 So I don't know if you've gleaned
You're like, "no shit. You are not ready to be a mom."
你们肯定会想 "去死吧 你肯定是没准备好 当个妈妈"
所以 我决定去做流产了 And so I decided to get the abortion,
但是我真的觉得 怀孕的女人没什麽的 but I really do love pregnant ladies,
当妈妈 其实还是挺开心的 and there's lots of things about being a mom that seem fun,
但是对我来说 事情怎麽发生 不是我说的算 but for me it's just like I can't tell anyone to shut off the TV.
也就是说 我也没有办法 (ALL LAUGHING)
Equaling I can't shut off the TV.
Um...
我之前决定了 告诉我妈妈 我还以为她会．． I decided to tell my mom, and I thought she was gonna like,
你知道的 超级失望 you know, be super upset,
可能会发很大的脾气 and, like, set me on fire and be like,
然后说 "你永远没资格去犹太教堂了" "you can never come back to the synagogue."
说实话 其实还蛮好的 Which is also kind of a fantasy that
让我永远别去犹太教堂 还蛮好的 I'd never have to go back to the synagogue.
好无聊的 去了就是听大家的呼吸声 So boring. Everyone's breath is horrible there.
但反而呢 But instead,
她很平常 she was, uh, very relieved,
她还语重心长的跟我说 and she actually ended up telling me
她60年代流产的事情 that she herself had gotten an abortion in the '60s.
听起来很赞 Which is pretty amazing
因为当时流产很难 because the bushes were so big then,
你知道 他们肯定很．． that, you know, they must have really,
肯定得到处找流产的 you know, really had to hunt for it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
我可以这麽说 是因为一旦你流产了 And I can say that because, you know, once you get an abortion,
你就会知道 还有谁也做过 you can reveal who else has had them.
所以我决定做这件 I decided to be on the list of the very many women that have done this.
几乎所有女人都做过的事
明天就是情人节了 说实话 Tomorrow is Valentine's day, and I can honestly say
这不算是我经历过最糟糕的情人节 it's not going to be the worst Valentine's day I've ever had.
应该会没事的 It's gonna be okay because, um,
因为我知道 我不是一个人 I know that I'm not alone.
我今天在此 还有你们 I'm totally here. You guys are here.
你们明天都来看哦 You're all gonna come with me tomorrow.
但是会有些．． But it's going to be...
Um...
我想应该会没事的 I think it's going to be okay.
之后的话呢 就是未来的事儿了 And afterwards, I'll just be in my future.
一定会过去的 对吧 And, you know, we'll go from there, right?
我想是这样的 I guess so.
没错 就这样 You guys have been very generous to me tonight,
你们大伙儿 今天都对我不错
我很享受 and I've really enjoyed myself.
所以 谢谢你们 情人节快乐 So, thank you and happy v-day.
祝愿你们都得到亲人送来的糖果 Hope you get all the candy that you want and deserve.
讲完了 谢谢 That's it. Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(WATER SPLASHING)
早上好呀 一嘿 Morning, sunshine.
Hey.
你昨晚真的很棒 You were so incredible last night.
他走了 He left.
我是说你的演出 I was talking about your set.
谢谢 Thanks.
想吐吗 要不要喝这个 How's your stomach? You want this?
不 不要 我不想喝 No, I don't. I just want this.
等你准备好了 我就叫出租车 Well, when you're ready, I'll call us a cab.
准备好了吗 Are you ready?
准备好了 I'm ready.
好的 谢谢你 我们出来了 Okay, thank you very much. We are outside.
要等5分钟 Five minutes.
那我们不如坐轻轨吧 Let's just take the train.
不要啦 流产 要流的有范儿 No, we're aborting in style.
我好冷啊 (GROANS) I'm so cold!
冷死了 Have you ever heard about the people on mount Everest
你有听说过 埃佛勒斯峰的人们
要死的时候 会怎麽样吗 who are about to die, and how that is for them?
没有 告诉我吧 No, tell me what happens to them.
跟你想的会有点不一样 Like, that there are icicles coming out of their tears or whatever.
其实．．
他们哭的时候 眼泪就会变成冰锥
夏尔巴人会说 "别坐下去" The sherpa is like, "don't sit down."
但他们坐下后 But then they sit down, because they're
因为他们非常的疲劳 他们会就那样 死在那儿 Oh, my God. And all their parkas are still there.
噢 老天 一然后他们的皮质大衣会冻起来
马克斯 马克斯 过来了 (STUTTERING) Max. Max. Max is walking.
他过来了 我没开玩笑 Max is walking up. I'm not kidding,
他还手捧一束花 and he has a bouquet of flowers.
不要躲 他来了 来了 真的 No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah.
我不．．? 怎麽办 一我也不知道 I can't... what do I do? You just... I don't know.
假装我在说话 一你是在说话啊 Pretend I'm saying something. You are saying something.
老天 一他来了 It's happening now. He's here.
他快走到了 一我脸色是不是很难看
已经来了
嘿 一嗨 Hey. Hi.
这是送给你的 These are for you.
真漂亮 That's so nice.
我想 如果可以的话 跟你 I thought, maybe, if it was all right with you
还有你 and you,
我想和你一起去 I could go with you.
你可以看我的表 没事 又不是什麽秘密 You can look at my sheet. It's okay. I don't have any secrets.
很好嘛 Oh, nice.
你家族有神经病 Mental illness runs in your family.
Mmm.
恩 我们家有糖尿病史和抑鬱症 Yeah, we have diabetes and depression.
糖尿病? Oh. The diabetes?
你们家裡人都喜欢吃糖吗 You guys like to eat a lot of candy in your family?
很多甜品 很多派很多圣代 Lot of desserts, lot of pie, lot of brownie sundaes.
真是够甜的 一是的 That's darling. Yeah.
今天外面好冷 So cold out today.
Mmm.
我今早看天气预报的时候 就已经准备好全套装备了 When I looked on weather.Com this morning to pick out my outfit...
...I saw that it is the coldest day of the year.
我看这是一年裡最冷的一天
真的? Really? Mmm-hmm.
我觉得他们又要开始 I heard they're going to start naming
播报暴风雪了 就像以前来飓风的时候一样 snowstorms like they do with hurricanes.
他们平常就是这样说的 说的非常严重 That's how intense it's going to be from now on.
Mmm.
堂娜一 (IN HEAVY VOICE) The Donna.
简直是百年来的暴风雪 Snowstorm of the century.
堂娜二 Donna two.
你以前到底看过 天气预报没有 Have you ever watched a weather report before?
我才开始看没多久 Just movie trailers for you, huh?
你只看过预告片吧 一是这样吗 Is that what that is?
仅此而已? Is that all?
我很抱歉 昨天晚上走了 I'm sorry I took off last night.
我听到了你的语音留言 I got your voicemails.
我只是不知道 怎麽办好 I just didn't know what to do.
Um...
我昨晚也做了一个很艰难的决定 I also made a very extreme move last night.
是的 但是 Yeah, but
昨晚我的决定很糟糕 it was an asshole move on my part.
没有 No.
我想我们两个都是在想 I think we're both just trying to figure out
如何处理那些事 一是的 how to do everything.
本来我们吃晚饭的时候 Yeah.
我就想告诉你了 但是之后你．．． I really wanted to tell you when we were at dinner, but then you...
我之后吓晕了 I freaked out because you started talking
因为你说你想当爷爷 about wanting to be a grandfather.
你以为我真那个意思? 明天就当爷爷? And you thought I meant, like, tomorrow?
你76岁了 是吧? Well, you're, like, 76, right?
是啊 Yeah. Yep.
只是我．． I just don't... you know.
我们才认识不久 We've just been acquainted.
我不知道 你能不能承受的住这个 I didn't know if you'd be okay with this.
你没事吧 Are you okay with this?
恩 没事 Yeah. Yes.
当然 一很好 Of course. Good.
我想当爷爷 总有一天 Um, I want to be a grandpa, you know, someday.
先做爸爸然后再．．．是的 一恩 Dad first and then... right. Yeah.
这可以说是我经历过的 最糟的或者 最棒的情人节了 This may be the best/worst Valentine's day I have ever had.
你们谁是 堂娜? NURSE: Which one of you is Donna?
跟我走 Follow me, please.
好的 Okay.
多谢你能来 Well, thank you for coming.
多谢你让我来 Thanks for letting me.
外面见 See you on the other side?
嗨 堂娜 镇静剂应该生效了 DOCTOR: Hi, Donna. The sedative should be taking effect.
你感觉很放鬆吗 Are you feeling relaxed?
好了 堂娜 我们要开始了 Okay, Donna, we're going to start the procedure now.
如果有任何不适 随时告诉我们 Let us know if you feel any discomfort at any time.
(MACHINE WHIRRING SOFTLY)
给你 很热 小心点 一谢谢 Here you go. It's hot. Careful.
Thank you.
你想把脚放上来吗 Do you want to put your feet up?
好的 Okay.
感觉如何 一很好 How's that?
It's good.
我在等候室 还交了几个朋友 I made a bunch of friends in the waiting room...
在车管所的时候 Mmm. ...At the dmv.
噢 老天 Oh...
我俩当时又不在车管所 Oh, God.
We weren't at the dmv.
我刚恢复我的驾照 I got my license renewed.
真的吗 Oh, you did?
你是不是．． 我做了个车检的 Were you not... I got the car inspected.
你知道的 我觉得他们把我车拖走了 You know, I think they towed my car.
恩 他们肯定从后备箱裡拿了很多东西出来 Yeah, they sort of took a lot of stuff out of the trunk.
你知道的 曾有一时 我还很害怕开车呢 And, you know, for a second, I was afraid to drive it again,
我觉得我很有可能害怕开车 but I think I probably will.
这麽说 你当时在车管所 一是的 So you were there? You were at the dmv.
Yeah.
那就是我们了啊 That was us.
你想看电影吗 一可以啊 Do you want to watch a movie? Always.
好的 Okay.
让我看看有什麽看的 Let's see what we got going on here.
(TELEVISION TURNS ON)
这个不怎麽好看 但是很浪漫 It is nothing but romantic comedies.
我讨厌那种片子 Oh. Boo. I just hate that type of film.
我可没有切到这个频道 I don't connect to it.
好了 Oh, here we go.
我们找另外个台 Gone with the wind is about to start. Have you ever seen this?
就看<<飘>>这部吧 你看过了吗
没有呢 I have not.
我也没有看过 I've never seen it either.
你想看吗 Do you want to watch it?
我想 是的 但是有10个小时长吧 I mean, I do, but it's, like, 10 hours long.
难道你有事要出门吗? Do you have somewhere to be?
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING ON TV)